A Long Road of Heartache

Hello world,

It's me again.

It’s been well over a year since I’ve written a raw vulnerable post. A lot has happened and changed in my life, my kid's life, and my marriage.

We gave away our Love Song Getaway trip in 2020, so we could dive deeper into our relationship. We did a year-long couples intensive at Addo Recovery. We moved here mainly for that. For our marriage. Our last intensive was in April 2021.

We are coming up on our 10th anniversary and I didn’t think we would make it. Last year around this time I was certain I was going to walk away. I was sick of fighting, failing, and not getting anywhere.

Riley had one of the biggest relapses of his life. It flipped our world and has forever changed the way we do things.

There's been a lot of unknown and fear. We have lost those we loved and felt closest to because of the relapse and my choice to stay. For those that have stuck around, our relationships have been tainted and it feels like they will be tainted forever.

It was the beginning of March 2021 when everything changed. Riley came home from work and told me everything. I kid you not when I tell you it felt like the death of a loved one. I told him how disgusted and repulsed I was with him. I wouldn't let him touch me. He tried and I wanted to jump out of my skin. I was in disbelief. How could he fall so far!? He had support, he had friends, he loved his job, and he had the best therapist in the world at his fingertips.

Before I knew about any of this, I was happy and felt so fulfilled. I was on one of my favorite podcasts “Heidi's LemonAid Stand”, and we were featured on “The Dating Divas Instagram page” as the most inspiring couple. Riley and I also did an anonymous podcast episode with a marriage therapist. My best friend moved 10 minutes from me, and I felt I had it all. I was finally finding my place and moving forward.

Once Riley dropped this life-altering bomb on me, I texted my best friend “SOS” and I left. We drove around and ate ice cream, she held me while I cried and screamed in anger. She validated me. I thank God every day I had her in person in what felt like the worst moment of my life.

Riley and I called Dr. Kevin Skinner once I came back home. It was extremely late, but I called, and he answered. He talked to me and Riley with such kindness and sadness, but also understanding towards both of us. I love that man. I am thankful he was my therapist.

I told him later I wanted to divorce Riley and that we would not be coming to the last intensive.

He respected my decision and also told me to wait for more information before I made it final. I was PISSED! He's known what I've gone through with this man. He knows how much hurt repeatedly I have had to deal with. Yet,

here he is telling me to possibly wait it out. He also knew it was my decision alone to make and gave me space to reflect and process his words.

I always say if Dr. Skinner told me to get divorced, I would. No questions asked. Although he would never tell anyone what to do, he is very good at helping sort through the muck and letting you decide what is best.

I got really mad at him for accepting my decision to not come to the intensive. I felt like he was giving up on us. I'm pretty good at confrontation so I’m good at speaking my mind. Let me just say... angry and hurtful words were said to this man. Dr. Skinner is good at navigating this and letting me be heard.

We ultimately came to a decision together that we would go and finish what we started. They had to change the intensive last minute to cater to us and what our needs were at that time.

That couples intensive saved my marriage. I was thankful and mad for months. I felt confused but also felt so much peace.

It was a long hard year. It was scary. We argued and cried more than we have ever done.

2021 was the absolute worst. We were dealing with Riley’s stuff and trying to figure that out and then the IRS garnished our bank accounts. We were left with nothing. We were already struggling to keep our heads above water and it felt like the wave finally came to drown us.

I had to bail on my family's trip to Florida. I was devastated. I resented Riley for putting us in that situation and I resented my family for going anyway. Not gonna lie, it’s still a sore subject, but I’m working through it.

Come to the end of the year, we decided to make the most of it. You can’t wallow around in your muck forever! Our kids were starting to feel the weight of all the stress, anger, sadness, and tension between us. We had been carrying a heavy load and it needed to be lifted.

Stay tuned

Remember,

.

You are worthy!

You are loved!

You are not what you are going through.

You are always more than enough!

I love you!

I'm always rooting for you and standing in your corner.

You’ve got this.

Much Love,

Love,

Tiffany