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This picture is how I feel. I’m drowning. A moment of weakness has turned into constant pain for me.
Relapses and slips with an addict in recovery are inevitable. Relapses for the betrayed are also unavoidable.
In my opinion, betrayed relapses are not talked about near enough. It seems as though everyone cares for the addict and how they are doing. But no one bothers to ask about the betrayed.
Counseling is great. It gives you the tools to be prepared for when relapses happen for both parties involved.
I knew I was struggling. I had the tools and the resources to help myself. I even had people to reach out to for help. I didn’t do anything. I wanted to be sad.
It's perfectly fine to do so. To analyze your feelings. FEEL them. Sit with them. Acknowledge them. But you must get past it.
That's where I failed. I sat in my sad emotion for too long. A very unexpected trigger happened, and I had my very first panic attack.
I have anxiety, but panic attacks? No, never, not me. I know tons of people close to me who get them. I even witnessed Riley’s first panic attack. It’s so scary.
Going through it yourself, while all alone is terrifying. Not being able to breathe, hyperventilating, sobbing, and the fear of it all consuming you.
Over an hour later, I finally feel I can catch my breath. In the heat of the moment, I tell Riley I hate him. Of course, I don’t. I’m just so mad. It’s easy to take it out on him. To try to hurt him.
Thankfully he is in a really good spot right now in his recovery. He handled my anger very well. He skipped going into shame. He reached out for himself, but he also reached out for me.
I love him. My heart hurts that he thought he loved someone else.
Still, in my pity, long after the trigger and panic attack, I decided to do something stupid. No, I did not cut myself. I was tempted, yes. But I resisted. Instead, I reached out to the last possible person on earth to ever help me.
Why yes, readers, I reached out to that super classy mistress Annah. Like WTF, people. How screwed up is that!? VERY! I know. Like I said... A moment of weakness.
I asked her why. Why would she do it? Her response made me mad. It would have either way. Friendly or not, I still want to slap her. It makes me even madder that I agree with her.
“I believed he valued me, I felt special, I felt like he really cared about me, I felt like we had a connection. I believed promises from him that he would give me the world, when he could barely give me a grain of sand. I was drowned in my own infatuation with the fact that someone this amazing could love me. My heart took over any rational thought from my head. And I kept going.
Proven fact: When individuals are emotional they cannot think properly because the emotional part of their brain has overpowered the rational part. This is because the strong emotions from the limbic systems shut down the neural pathways. When our emotions increase, our rational thinking decreases.
Maybe he did love me, maybe he didnt, but I promise he loves you more. I don’t say that out of pity. Every fight you guys had I watched him fight for you and win you back every time. People just don’t do that out of hate.
Listen to Gods spirit Tiffany, the anger that we harbor after being betrayed steals our joy. Bitterness robs us of peace. You have to learn to let it go.
Stay in the Word. Stand on His promises. Praise Him in the storm. Allow others to encourage you. Pray, pray, and pray. Seek Christian counseling if you need it.
You weren't the only one who was betrayed and hurt. God is the only answer for survival.”
My response back... nothing. I promised both of my therapists (Yes a girl this crazy gotta have two 💁🏻♀️) I would never reach out to her again. A week later, in anger, I respond. Not to her, but my therapist.
“Struggling tonight. The mistress takes place in my mind yet again. Riley and I argued about it. And he is now fast asleep while I wrestle with my thoughts. I wanted to reach out to her. So I wrote her a message. I did not send it. So I decided to send it to Riley. Once again I did not.... so I’m sending it to you instead...
“I want to send this to the dumb cunt.... but I’ll keep my promise to Dr. Skinner. So here..... you have it.
Riley never fought for me. It was always me fighting for myself. You call a man who could leave his family amazing? That's unfortunate. I don't think this is something I can ever fully get over. So sure.., you weren't in your right state of mind. But you were the one who set yourself up to be betrayed, by being infatuated with a married man. That's comical really, that you feel like you were the betrayed one in the first place. And the fact you spent thousands of dollars to end up heartbroken makes me laugh. You deserved that. You want this amazing man so much you can have him. Don’t think it would take much at all to get him to falter to you yet again.”
Okay... so I’m not a bitter person. 🤣😭 I’m just drowning in my dang sadness. Oh... In case it wasn’t clear, a relapse for me is reaching out to Annah.
Can you just be mad with me? She sucks. Riley sucks. And guys... I freaking suck! Reach out! Reach out! Reach out! I cannot say that enough. Just please reach out to the right people. Safe people. Don’t let yourself drown.
I’m doing better now. I’m going to start working through the affair trauma on a different level. I'll be doing different therapy practices that I will let you guys know all about later.
I just want to say. I got you! I’m here for you! You are worth so much more then what you are going through.
One more thing. After I sent my email to my therapist, this quote popped up on my screen.
We are all human. We will all royally mess up. Riley did. So have I. I can’t hang his mistakes over him when he is trying to correct them.
You and your loved ones will mess up. And it’s okay! We’ve all been there done that to some level. So let’s go easy on ourselves and remember, we are all human. We all deserve love. We are all worth it.
Moral of this post. Just because the addict is doing well, does not mean you will all of a sudden be fine. You both have your own recovery work to do. You can't sit around and wait for them to heal. Work on yourself! You have to heal for yourself!
I feel very thankful that while yes, I may be drowning. Riley is not. He is able to stand his ground in his own healing. Which leads to him being supportive and helpful to me. God knows I need that right now. I need him right now to be the strong one. Which he is. ♥️
I love you guys!
Keep pushing forward, friends! I’m always going to be In your corner, cheering you on.
Much Love,
Tiffany
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