Always in my Head

Hello? Are you there?

Can you hear me?

Do you see me?

My hand tightly pressed inside yours. Your body warm, your touch so soft. As I gaze into your eyes with tears filling mine, I begin to draw closer to you. Your stare as cold as ice. I bow my head in silence. You reach up and rub my back. I squeeze your hand ever so tightly. Your grip loosens. I’m silently screaming inside. Why can’t you hear me? It’s so loud. Why don’t you listen? I’m right here. I’ve been right here. I slowly look up, and your gone. I sit there dazed, time is frozen. This is not happening. This is not my life. Did I cause this? Am I unlovable? Can we go back and fix this somehow? Should I just move on without you?

I hate how you can go on about your day like 8 years doesn’t matter. You move on so quickly. you make it look easy. You even look happy. smiling at people, joking with them. You laugh.... God, how I love your laugh.

Im sitting at home, laying in our bed, longing for you. Wanting to wake up from this nightmare. Our oldest daughter... she knows. She knows you are the reason I cry. I try to hide it, but I’m not good at hiding my emotions anymore. Is that what you do? Is that why It seems so easy for you? Because you are able to hide your emotions? How can a double life be that easy? I am consumed by all your lies, your betrayals, and your empty promises.

She fills my mind ya know. I’m obsessed with her and I hate it. I hate who I am when I get like this. Stalking her, knowing her world, wondering about her. I even laid our pictures side by side today and compared myself to her. Every little detail, which seemed like hours. you know who I’m talking about, don’t you? The other woman. The one you also promised your life to. But you didn’t lie to her, did you. You were honest about your addiction, your marriage, and your kids. She still wanted you. Was she apart of your addiction? Or was she more than that?

I reached out to her ya know. She thought I was crazy when I did. But then again, she knew more about me than my family. Than my best friend. Everything I have ever told you. Every vulnerability and flaw I shared and showed you. You used against me. You told her and painted me as the monster.

I gave everything to you. Is that how you truly see me? She told me, ya know. She painted a twisted perfect picture in my head of your relationship together. She described your touch and every breath vividly. When I read her message it was like I was there with you. I know your touch, your breath, I thought I knew it all. The only one. A life shared only the two of us. But now you share that with another. You let her in. Not only into our minds, but our home. Why?

Did she need to see the bed we shared?

Did she like our childrens bedrooms?

Did she touch their stuffed animals?

Did she go through my things?

Did our dogs bark at her? Or were they loving to her? Like you were.

You assured me it was over. Time and time again. Your good with your words. But your actions... Your actions always fall Short.

I begin to believe you, to trust you. To let you back in. To let the darkness go away. Does a happy me disgust you? Are you only better when I’m sad? Or is it the clinginess you miss? Do I not invest as much in you when I’m in recovery? Or do I invest too much? My mind becomes free of her.

Finally.

Almost a year goes by and I feel free.

But you can’t let that happen. Can you? Our lives can’t seem to begin to feel normal. So you bring her back. Once again your lies consume me, and she consumes me. She consumes you to. Doesn’t she?

Is she in your head? She’s in mine.

When we go to bed together, are you with me or her?

Mentally.

Sadly when I’m in bed with you, it’s her.

Did she do this?

was she better?

Is her stomach flatter?

Are my boobs to small for you?

Why?

Why do you do this?

Why her?

The noise in my head won’t stop. Does it stop for you? No matter what I do to drown it out, it just gets louder. So I let the crazy takeover.

Frantically searching for her. Trying to seek her out. What is it this time? Why do you lie? You can’t have us both. I want to hate her. But I can’t. I have pitty upon her. For falling into your trap. She is as much as a fool, as me.

She thrives on the fact that she’s in my head ya know. She got her wish when she wished it upon me. Maybe you were just a game to her. You played each other, and me. Is this what addiction feels like?

You are addicted to other women and getting that high sexually. And no matter what I do I will never be that for you. Will I?

Here I am... an addict myself. But I’m only addicted to you. I know it’s not healthy. I know I bring on the pain myself by choosing you over and over again.

Will you ever choose me?

Will you ever choose your family? What about yourself?

Do I ever get a healthy you? One who is in recovery and can be faithful to me? Or do I just get to be dragged through hell with you and stick by you for you to go have that with someone else. They get the better you. and I look like the insane person who caused it all. Is that fair? Am I wasting time?

You look as if your living your best life, and here I sit alone in the life we built together, paralyzed by my fears and the truth.

Tiffany

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I wrote this to clear my head on a bad day. Even though your in recovery, it's okay to have them. For me, this is my own relapse. I'm no longer sober and need to dive back into my work.

Write your feelings out, and than burn it of you need to. I promise it will help. You are not alone and your feelings are valid. You may feel and act like a crazy person. But just know I got you.

Reach out

With Love

Tiffany

I'm always rooting for you friend. You are stronger than you know.