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June of 2018 Riley and I set off together to see Dr. Kevin Skinner and his team in Utah for a couple intensive. This intensive would be 3 days at the Addo Recovery Clinic in Lindon, Utah. They help couples get out of the muck that they are stuck in. The program gives them hope and the beginning steps they need to take to move forward.
When we arrived, I was so excited to be back. I could tell that Riley was pretty nervous. There was one other couple in the room with us. Two more couples were still on their way. We sat there in silence with no one knowing what to say. There were a few beautiful paintings, so we stared at them until It was finally time to start.
Thank goodness, the silence ended when Dr. Skinner came into the room. He has a very warming personality that allowed everyone to begin to communicate and share our stories. Dr Skinner had us write on a whiteboard of what we were hoping to get out of the intensive. There were wants to learn how to connect better with our spouse. Wants to regain trust. Wants to feel better about who they are as a person. Over the next few days, we would gain the tools needed to help us do this.
We talked about a lot of different ways to work together, communicate, and work on ourselves. You have to work on yourself first before you can come together and work on your marriage. That has always terrified me because I fear that if you work on yourself individually, you will grow farther apart from your spouse. Although that is not the case, as long as you can find ways to connect, you will find that you are both striving for the same goal.
There were times throughout the day where we would split up. In the afternoon, the women would go do yoga with Sariah, while the men would work on mindfulness with Dallon. Yoga is fantastic for healing from trauma. It can be hard to let yourself quiet the chaos in your mind to listen to your body. I always have to have a reason for feeling the way I do. It is hard for me to let it just be. Sariah is very good at bringing me back to focus and helping me to understand that it is okay to feel specific ways and not have there be a reason. There will always be things in life that I will never be able to understand or make sense of. Yoga really helps me be able to be okay with being able to let it be and let it go.
Mindfulness felt like it was not going to be for me. My mind is always racing, and it can be hard to concentrate on one thing at a time. I kept catching myself drifting off to sleep and trying to bring myself back into focus. Dallon, the mindfulness coach, said that it is natural and okay to do so. Especially when you are not used to being mindful. Beginning mindfulness is a time for you to learn to control your thoughts and mind. Through mindfulness, I can lose stress and able to gain calmness in my life. It is not something I do correctly every time, but it is definitely helpful when I use it in my life.
When we came back together later on that day we watched a video of retired Navy SEAL Admiral William McRaven, he says:
"If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed... If you make your bed every morning, you will have accomplished the first task of the day. It will give you a small sense of pride, and it will encourage you to do another task and another and another. And by the end of the day, that one task completed, will have turned into many tasks completed. Making your bed will also reinforce the fact that the little things in life matter. If you can't do the little things right, you'll never be able to do the big things right. And if by chance you have a miserable day, you will come home to a bed that is made, that you made. And a made bed gives you encouragement that tomorrow will be better."
After the video, we were all in awe. The speech was so persuasive. It is incredible how such a small gesture can make a significant impact on one's life. That video gave us motivation and inspiration to want to do that. The little things in life do matter, and we need to focus on them more. That being said, To this day we only make our bed a few times a month. Hey, nobody's perfect, and after all, it is progress over perfection. Baby steps. We will get there.
Sariah is the owner of Back Pocket Yoga in Lindon Utah at the Addo Recovery Center. If you don't live in Utah to attend one of her courses, you can do yoga from her website. Which is amazing! Sariah is the only yoga teacher I have been able to connect with, so where Idaho is far away, I can still do her classes and have her walk me through.
Here is the Video of Admiral Navy Seal William McRaven, Everyone should listen to him give this speech. Listening to it is so powerful! One thing is for sure. I know I am making our bed in the morning.
This is not the full video, but if you google it, you can find it. I promise it is worth the listen!
Here is the link to Addo's couple intensive that we went to
Know you are not alone in this, there are resources out there, and we are cheering for you.
Tiffany & Riley
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