Emotional Affair

Do you ever look back on your life and wonder where it all wrong?

What happened that made things turn out differently than you imagined? If you knew the answer, would you admit it to yourself?

Riley and I were recently asked this question by our therapist. “When do you each believe things started to go wrong in your relationship?”

He thought that should have been a question for us to ponder on and discuss. Instead, we were both able to rattle off a handful of issues we believed to be the root cause.

So where did it all go wrong, you ask?

Sadly, shortly after, we said our I dos.

I write a lot about Riley and how his actions destroyed me. But what nobody knows is that before Riley started up in his addiction again, I was the one who had the first affair.

When we were dating, I introduced Riley to two of the most important guys in my life. (other than my dad and Ryder) I told him, if he couldn't accept our friendship, I would not be willing to move forward in the relationship.

These two guys had been friends with me for over ten years. We had our moments where we treated each other like dirt. Specifically, me treating them poorly. But we were always there for each other when it mattered.

My guys (Let's call them Matt and Steve) had been by my side and supported me no matter what. I didn't want to be in a relationship where I couldn't be friends with them.

Riley loved them instantly. They hit it off and became the perfect trio.

After Riley and I wed, I wasn't close by my family anymore. He worked so much, and I was ignored when he was home. I hated it. We didn't know how to communicate.

So when Riley would go to work, I would call Steve. We would spend hours on the phone talking or visiting in person.

Steve was the highlight of my day. We knew each other so well, and we always had a good time together.

Steve would never bash Riley when I would vent. He would say things like, "marriage is hard. He doesn't get it. Do you want me to talk to him about it?" Or he would help me navigate how to get through to him.

Steve was divorced at this time. So he was the perfect one for me to go to about the "dos and donts" of marriage.

I found myself pulling away from Riley and turning to Steve more often. It was easy with him. Next thing I know, one night on the phone, I'm telling Steve. "If Riley and I were not together, I would be with you."

I found myself caught up in an emotional affair.

Emotional Affair: "The term emotional affair is used to categorize or explain a certain type of relationship. High levels of non-sexual emotional intimacy in adults may occur without the participants being bound by other intimate relationships or may arise between people in other relationships". -Wikipedia

I was turning towards Steve when I should have been turning towards my spouse. Thankfully Steve is a great guy and put me in my place.

He told me something along the lines of... “If you speak negativity into your marriage and you are looking for something else, that is what’s going happen.”

I knew I had taken things too far. Steve put a boundary into play, and we didn't talk for over a year.

When the emotional affair was going on, Riley knew. He knew every time Steve was over or how often we talked. I was very open about it. I figured if he knew all of that, there was no harm.

Even though our friendship bothered Riley, he never voiced his concerns. At that time, I honestly don't think it would have made a difference.

It wasn't until after Steve and I quit talking that Riley could open up about it. Being out of my "Steve is so much better than my husband fog," I was able listen to him and understand.

Steve and I started talking again. But it was nothing like it was. We both set boundaries and spoke about how we were caught up in an emotional affair.

This wasn't our first time in an emotional affair together. When Steve was first married and was struggling, he would turn to me. His wife told him he was having an emotional affair, but we didn't see it. We were both blinded and claimed she didn't understand our friendship.

There was always something pulling us together, but it never seemed to be the right time for us.

I'm a huge believer in "everything happens for a reason." I honestly believe that if it wasn't for Steve, I wouldn't be in my marriage right now, or have my two beautiful girls. He encouraged me to keep fighting.

We are still friends. Riley is just more involved in the friendship. We've had dinners together and even talk on occasion. I will always be grateful to him.

I want to adhere caution for those of you treading an emotional affair's dangerous waters.

Do not put other relationships above the one you have with your spouse. Don't deeply confide in someone else other than your spouse. You may not see the harm in it. But I promise you it is causing a wedge.

It's not too late to change your behavior or re-evaluate what is important to you. Affairs, physical or emotional, are such a cowardly act. Don't be a coward. Speak up.

Riley and I have both been selfish and acted cowardly to one another. I wouldn't ever want to go back and do it over again. The pain takes a toll on your body and relationships with those around you.

I didn't intentionally plan on hurting him or having an affair. I'm sure he didn't plan to do the same to me. We are working through everything and have better tools now to be in a relationship together. We still have a long way to go. But I'm incredibly proud of us and how far we have come together.

So if you are in a similar situation, I encourage you to be honest with yourself. Make it right by doing the next right thing.

I love you. I am cheering for you. You are worth more than all of this. You have such value and so much to offer. You are worthy, and you are loved!

keep fighting and pressing forward ♥️

Love,

Tiffany