.jpeg)
While deleting apps off my phone, I came across a picture collage app I hadn't used in a while. I opened it up, and my heart sank. Right there in front me, was two images I had placed side by side. I used to stare at them multiple times every day and compare myself. It was a picture of Anah and me: Anah, the mistress.
It's one thing to compare yourself to porn stars because you will never be able to compete. They are fake, the way they look, the things they do, it is not real. So yes, it still hurts, but it's easier (at least for me) to know that I'm real.
By having someone real to compare me with was a total game-changer. It wrecked me. I thought myself esteem was ruined before. But playing comparison destroyed it more than I ever thought possible.
I found myself doing this with every woman I saw out in public or on television. I did it so much I didn't even realize I was doing it anymore. It became apart of me. I was always bringing myself down and allowing the negative voices to take over.
Over time I started to become more bitter over everything. Not just towards my spouse, but to my children. They couldn't even ask me a simple question without me being annoyed. I felt like a terrible mother, loathing in her self pity.
I had made it worse for myself by not being able to let it go. I let it eat at me every day. And to look at the other woman and have her in my head all day. For what? What good did that do? All it did was bring me down.
I started to think of my recovery and how I've come a long way. But the comparison is still there. Just the other day, Riley had asked me to stop doing something, and my mind immediately went to, "well, I know Anah did it, so why was that okay for you then?"
Even though I'm no longer comparing our photos, I am comparing every action I take. And sadly, I haven't tried to be better. I haven't been taking action on the negativity. I've just let it fester.
But once I saw our photos sitting next to each other, I felt a shift within me. Know better; do better. I am better. I know I am. So taking action can't wait another second. It happens now.
There is a documentary I watched called Addicted to Porn: Chasing the Cardboard Butterfly. It is an hour and a half long and worth every single second. I had no idea it even existed. I wondered why one of my many wonderful therapists hadn't shown me this sooner.
It has different therapists and scientists talking about the effects of pornography use on the human brain. It shows nothing provocative or triggering. The movie was created very well for all audiences. Towards the end, it brings in a couple who ended up divorcing because of the husband's pornography use.
For me, it was very validating. The woman couldn't have painted a more accurate description of what betrayal trauma is like. Even after she moves on, she still struggles with comparing herself and feeling not enough.
It is honestly the worst feeling in the world. To never feel good enough. To feel unlovable.
You have to remind yourself that you are always enough. You are lovable and deserve all things great and wonderful in this life. There is power in words. So speak kind words to yourself over and over again. Speak them out loud. Put them on sticky notes and post them all over your house and in your car. Put reminders on your phone. Know you are enough. Believe you are enough. God makes no mistakes, and he loves all your imperfections. You are perfect in God's eyes, and you are perfect to me.
The title of this documentary is bizarre. Chasing the cardboard butterfly? What does that have to do with porn? I was confused up until the very last moment when it drops the bomb and the credits roll. And then it all becomes clear—the big Aha moment.
Butterflies. Never in my life have I ever seen an ugly butterfly. I have compared their beauty but never thought of a butterfly as ugly.
Nikolaas Tinbergen, a zoologist, won a Nobel prize in the 90's on his discovery with butterflies.
A male butterfly chooses its mate by the brightest colors and the most prominent wings. Nikolaas created 3D cardboard butterflies with more vivid colors and more massive wings than the real butterflies. All the male butterflies ignored the female butterflies and were continually trying to mate with the cardboard.
That is one of the most accurate analogies to compare to pornography use. There should be no competition between real vs. fake. But pornography alters the brain.
I want all of you to know that you don't compare to anyone else. You are perfectly imperfect, and that is what is so great and unique about all of you. We all have flaws, and we all have beauty. You are more than enough!
I love you friends, and I'm always cheering for you.
Love always,
Tiffany
Here is a link to the documentary on youtube:
Comments