Pornography Addiction

I never knew pornography could be an addiction. Growing up in an LDS (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) home we were taught it was wrong. When the internet first came out, I had stumbled across a few porn sites around age 12, and after High school, I watched porn with my friends. But it never really stuck with me. I thought it was disgusting. And although those images and videos I saw are burned into my brain, they don't affect my life.

I knew about Riley watching porn at a young age and all through high school. I knew the mistakes that he had made. He cleaned up and served a full two year LDS mission and was clean the entire two years. He had a slip up once he returned home but was good again. So I didn't go into our marriage completely blind. To me, I thought you see it, and you get past it and move on. I had no idea that it can be an actual addiction that warps the mind and changes everything. I wish I would have been more educated on this topic before everything came out the way it did.

When Riley returned home from Boise after discovery day, it was basically like nothing happened. We talked about it and continued going to counseling together every week. But to me, I felt like I could fix it. So I had sex with him more. I was louder and more adventurous in bed. I tried to do it all. Always have a clean house and dinner ready, do anything to please him, or to stop him. I would be mad at myself and beat myself up every night thinking "are you kidding me!? He should be pleasing you. He should be sucking up to you. He did this to you, and you did not choose this. So why are you trying so hard.!?" I was afraid to live my life without him. So I bought us books on recovery. I did everything in my power I could think of to fix this. We even started going to a 12 step program and support group every week.