Reaching Out

Google is life. While Riley was gone, I googled the crap out of porn addiction and recovery. I don't think there is a site I haven't visited and read top to bottom. The number one thing they tell you is not to isolate yourself. Find people you can trust. Well crap! I have no one. At ten at night, it hit me. One person who would understand. My aunt. She lives in another state, we are not close, and I never see her. Her husband cheated on her for 15 years with their family friend, and she stuck with him and got through it. I hated my uncle after I found this out. I called my aunt sobbing and told her everything. She told me I needed to confide in my mother, but if I couldn't, I needed to get a good therapist and see them weekly and write everything down. Things I can't say to Riley or just every thought and feeling I have. She told me she was there for me, and I can call her anytime. While I felt the tiniest ounce better after talking with her, it still wasn't enough. I wanted to be better. I didn't want to accept that this was my life.

I tried writing everything down, but where everything was still so fresh, it put me into a deeper sadness. I never reached out to my aunt after that phone call because I was embarrassed and didn't know what to say to her other than the things that I had already said. I wasn't completely ready to heal and start to recover. My therapist puts it as I was in shock. I didn't realize what was happening and so I just went about my life. So although I read every article I could find on this addiction, It didn't put anything into perspective for me because of where my mind was at the time. I wanted a quick fix and wasn't looking into doing any of the work.

When I go back now, I take those articles a lot differently. I understand and am willing to put in the work. Even though it is still incredibly hard, I can process things a lot better now and come at this with a different mindset along with my Aunts advice. Writing everything down is incredible for the mind and soul. It is part of the healing process for me, and it helps me get everything out so I can think clearly.

It is great to reach out to people and read up on the situations you are dealing with at the time. I encourage you to go back and do research and reread books/articles that you have already read and see what you can take in differently and learn from it. I promise you that you will get something new and better out of it.

Keep your head up, and know that you are not alone.