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There is no going back to “normal” after an affair. Besides... why would you want to go back to that anyway? It wasn’t working in the first place.
There is so much tension, frustration, questions, and fear. So many questions asked, answered, and repeated. Getting answers to my questions didn’t make it better. Even if Riley responded precisely the way I wanted him to, it would still hurt.
The affair was not just about sex. Riley was moving on. He was creating another life with someone else. Planning their future together while all the while, making plans for our future. That's what hurts more than anything.
Every time we weren’t in the same room together or his phone would ring. My heart would drop, and panic filled my body. Is it Annah? Is it someone else? Is he still lying?
Then the crazy voices in my head startup:
Why do you care?
You are begging someone to love you. They don’t, so let them go.
It physically hurts—my whole body aches. I’m frozen. Do You know when your so cold it starts to sting? That’s what it feels like, the pain. It doesn’t go away.
I'm disgusted by his touch, kiss, and voice. But all I want to do is lay here in his arms forever.
I feel disgusted with myself.
I’m worth more than all of this. But if that means not having him, then I don’t want to be worth more.
Oh my heck, I’m so stupid.
What kind of person feels this way?
Is this love?
Ah!
Shut up!
Let me sleep.
Please stop.
I don’t want to think of Missy anymore.
I don’t want to keep picturing them together, badmouthing me and making love.
Ugh!
I think I'm going to be sick.
I wish the pain would stop.
The voices would stop.
Is he thinking of her?
Is he dreaming of her?
God, help me.
I hate this.
I don’t want to feel.
*Sobbing in the shower while reaching for the blade.*
Stop!
Don’t do this.
You have kids now.
You want to be better for them.
You promised! no more.
My heart hurts so bad. This pain that I cause... It will numb me.
Oh my gosh... how messed up is this.
I need help.
Why do I do this?
Ugh!!
*Blade slowly starts to cut down arm*
A few drops of blood slowly trickle down and get washed away
*door opens*
"Mommy! are you done yet? I want you to play with me."
*blade drops to the floor*
Clank!
"Uh.... yes, baby, give mommy a minute."
*door closes*
Ugh!
I’m so stupid.
I shouldn’t have done this.
I hate myself.
I love my kids.
I hate my life.
I hate my marriage.
I hate what he did.
I hate this.
*body crumples to the floor as tears began to fall rapidly*
For the kids, the affair affected them differently. Remi, still too little to understand.
Ryder struggled with understanding why Riley left. He had a lot of why questions—wondering if any of us caused it.
Rae took it the hardest. She started suffering from severe anxiety. Specifically, separation anxiety. It affected her more than I thought it would. We couldn't leave her with a babysitter. She no longer wanted to go to school or primary in church. Things Rae loved; she no longer wanted to be a part of anymore. She had to be with Riley or me always.
When she would get mad, it became hard for her to express herself, and she acted out in rage. Throwing things, screaming, and hitting. It was devastating watching how this took a toll on her. I couldn't do anything, and I didn't know what to do.
People that didn't know our situation but we were around weekly, they noticed. I felt judged like a bad mom. But I didn't care. If Rae needed me for any reason or didn't want me to leave, I wouldn't. I understood her.
We all process trauma and pain differently, and I wasn't going to throw her into something that would traumatize her more. I wanted to make her comfortable and for her to know that I would never leave her. But because of the affair, it became hard for her to trust even me—something I understood all too well.
I remember when Riley left, and I was crying. Rae looks up at me, holds my face in her hands, and with tear-filled eyes, says to me: ”when you look at me, do you see dad? And that's why your crying. Because you miss him, and I remind you of him?"
My heart was shattered. Rae was more than enough and wanted to understand my sadness and make me happy. She didn't want to cause me more pain.
A few days after Riley came home, we were sitting in the living room. All Rae wanted to do was watch our wedding video. She looked at Riley and said, "this will make you remember how much you love mommy so that you won't cheat on her anymore." Although I loved what she said, my heart sank.
She was only five and exposed to things I wish she hadn't been. The way she started observing and recognizing and putting things together. I felt like I was robbing her childhood and her innocence.
Counseling for every single one of us became our new reality.
As for Riley, well, who better to tell his side than him...
After the affair, there was a lot of hurt and realization of how much I hurt not only Tiff but our kids as well.
It was hard and confusing for me to try to figure out why the heck I did what I did.
Because of the affair, I confused myself to the point where I didn't know who I was. I am still trying to find myself.
I'm trying to change the person that I was, and the habits that I had, all for the better.
This is not easy. But what's important in life never is.
I've been learning to give myself grace. I've screwed up since then more times than not. If I put myself in an inadequate space and don’t try to get out of it, I become down on myself and shame takes over. Shame leads to relapses. And it is a continuing vicious cycle, from there.
When I am patient with myself and my loving wife is patient (more than I deserve), I can move forward and can continue on the path to recovery. It is a slippery slope.
Moving to Utah has helped me change my course. No longer being a business owner has also relieved a lot of stress. I know I still have to be careful with my decisions, but Utah has been a great start to changing for the better.
If there's any advice I can give you, it's ALWAYS trust your gut. The heart complicates things but your gut feeling is never wrong.
I love you! I believe in you! I'm right here fighting with you and standing in your corner. You got this.
Keep moving forward.
With Love,
Tiffany & Riley
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