Trust

Questions I get asked all the time:

1- Do you trust Riley?

2- Will I ever trust my partner?

3- How can you stay in a relationship without trust?

The answer to those questions is quite simple. (They didn’t use to be. I had to do a lot of healing and clear my mind from the fog)

1- No, I don't trust Riley. Not fully.

However, I do trust Riley to provide for us. I trust that he will show up in those moments when a child is sick. I trust him to show up when I need extra help/support. There was a time when it was hard for me to trust him in those moments. But we've worked hard to build that trust over time. It happens in the small moments of him showing up and taking action.

I still panic when he has to leave the house last minute. I panic when he forgets to check in and is late coming home. I panic if he says something slightly off. I don't know if the panic, tightness in my chest, loss of breath, or my stomach dropping out of my butt will ever go away. However, I do know this. When anxiety starts setting in, I have to take action immediately. I can't dwell in the unknown of what could happen. I have done that too many times, and it drives me crazy. I then become obsessive and go into detective mode. I start pointing out all of Riley's shortcomings and am continually triggered. That does nobody any good and causes more stress.

What taking action looks like for me will likely look different for you, and that's okay. I will communicate my feelings to Riley, MarcoPolo a friend, or do something to get my mind off it.

Since recovery, I've discovered things about myself that I didn't know I liked. I've always loved baths, but now I do it with intention. I set the mood. I listen to a podcast, a playlist I created, or read a book. I bring a water bottle with flavored water, a snack if we have any on hand, and I light candles. It is magical and so soothing. When I journal or do yoga, I light candles, and I have Alexa play soft music. I create space for myself to feel how I am feeling. It makes me feel better.

What does that look like for you?

How can you create a space for your healing?

How can you bring a little bit of peace into your everyday?

Do all of that with intention!

2- I don't know if you will ever trust your partner again. But I do know that you can trust yourself again.

When I found out Riley had betrayed me, I questioned everything from family, religion, and myself. I lost trust in not only my husband but myself. I didn't trust myself to make decisions. Clearly, I had made bad ones. I would start questioning and overanalyzing everything. It was a war within my brain. I was constantly second-guessing myself. Every time I put my trust back into Riley, he would let me down. Time and time again it continued to happen. I got to a point where when I would go to a nail salon, I would have them pick a color for me. I couldn't make decisions for myself. I wanted everyone else's approval on every decision I made.

So how do you trust yourself?

You have to start small. I did this by picking out my nail color at the nail salon, going places with the kids by myself, and finding my way around. I had to trust that I knew what was best. It was not easy. I made choices I would later regret. I also made choices that ended up going better than I could have imagined. I started to realize that I could do it. I had my back. All I had to do was trust myself.

If Riley told me something, and I felt off about it, I wouldn't believe him. I would trust that I knew something was off. That doesn't mean what I'm 'thinking is going on, but something is. I remember one time in the car, Riley was short, snappy, and quiet. I pestered him to tell me what was up. Eventually, he got fed up with me. In a raised tone, he told me to knock it off and that he was fine. The rest of the drive was silent. I was running negative scenarios through my mind and wondering if I had done something to upset him. Later that night, He finally told me something was off. He didn't want to talk in the car because he wasn't quite sure what it was.

There have also been times when he would gaslight me and tell me how crazy I'm acting and nothing is going on. But I knew better. I could feel something was off, and I was right. It was a relapse. Other times, nothing comes of it. Sometimes people act off because it's just a bad day for them. They could need a little rest. Maybe they are stressed. That's okay. If they need some space, give it to them. It doesn't always have to be something. Sometimes it really is just nothing but an off day.

However, always, always, always trust your gut. No matter what it is. Your body knows! Your brain tries to protect you, but your body knows the truth. Don't ignore that! Build trust in yourself by starting small. It's as simple as a nail color. My leap in trusting myself was spending the night in St. George with the kids and without Riley. Finding our way around on my own. (Thank goodness for GPS and my 13-year-old being better with directions than I am) I am codependent, and I hate doing things on my own. It terrifies me to my core. But I did it. I enjoyed it, and I've started doing it more and more. It is freeing!

When you start trusting yourself again, you will make regrettable and questionable choices. But who cares! You are doing it! You are learning. Trust yourself to know better and to do better next time. You can do this. I promise you your healing starts within you and not within your partner. I wish that I had figured that out sooner.

3- How can you stay in a relationship without trust?

Well, we just answered it. It might be fear of many different things that is keeping you there. I know this because I stayed out of fear in the beginning. Ultimately though, it's trusting yourself. Nobody else has your back.

Be your best friend.

Speak kindly to yourself.

Trust yourself. It is possible.

When you trust yourself, you will know what to do. You will know whether to stay or leave. You will know what is right for you. Trust that your body knows. Trust your body is talking to you. When it does, please listen to it.

Come back home to yourself.

You owe it to yourself to do this.

You, my darling, you are capable!

You got this!

I believe in you!

Believe in yourself!

You are worth trusting!

You are worthy of love!

You are enough!

I Love You!

I'm rooting for you always and standing in your corner.

Much Love!

Love,

Tiffany