What to do when your spouse won't work recovery

I needed a little reminder this week, so I'm writing this post to not only help me, but all of you who need it as well.

You are 100 percent powerless over addiction. Especially when your spouse doesn't want help. Forcing them or trying to control them in any way is hopeless — recovery is entirely up to them.

You can drive them to therapy or group. You can stalk their location on an app. A specific location won't stop them from acting out. They can do all the right things and not be in real recovery. If they don't want the help they are receiving; they will do nothing with it.

Therapy and recovery only work when you do the work yourself.

So what do you do when your spouse isn't willing to do the work? Do you get mad? Do you kick them out? Do you beg them to stay? Do you become Joe from the Netflix original series "You," minus all the murder?

Guess what? I've been there. I've done all the wrong and right things. And yet my spouse has still relapsed, and lied.

You become an addict. You are addicted to them, and lose sight of everything, including yourself. You become Insane.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

I don't know how many times I have lived in an insanity cycle. It does nothing but drive you crazy, and your spouse has you right where they want you. They have free will to do whatever they choose. You become so obsessed and blinded that you will do anything to hold on. It's like trying to hold a fistful of sand as tight as you can in a hurricane... It's INSANITY.

Here is the secret.

Cue the eye rolls, please...

Love yourself, choose yourself, and focus on you and you alone.

Do things that you love. Make yourself happy.

I got a job last year, and I am completely in love with it. I love going to work and helping people. It has changed me and made me happier. I've come out of my comfort zone and made new friends and done things I never thought would. Guess what... My husband relapsed and lied to me for the last six months, and I am a wreck. But I'm still happy. I can shift my focus and be in a better place and know that I am okay because I am choosing recovery and paving a path for myself.

Work for me isn't an escape, because of how much I enjoy it. It helps me be a better version of myself. Getting a job and becoming social again, has helped me find myself outside of my marriage.

Light follows light. Remember when you were dating? The late-night talks, sleepovers, doing whatever it took to see each other? You know why you always looked like you slept with a hanger in your mouth? It wasn't because your partner was making you happy. It's because you were making yourself happy in the first place, before you met them! They were a bonus who loved a happy you.

You become comfortable with each other and get caught up in the craziness of life: jobs, bills, kids, little sleep. You aren't making time for yourself or each other. Your relationship becomes a repetitive boring routine.

You can get back to a happy you again. You don't need your spouses permission. Don't let the chaos of life get in the way. Get up and exercise, color, dance. Do things you love. Get a babysitter, dress up nice, and take yourself out on a date. Enjoy life; you deserve it!

Be goofy. Make yourself look like a fool in public and laugh it off. I promise you will feel a lot better. Do whatever it takes to free yourself from insanity.

Hide in the closet and cry, scream, and eat an entire bag of "the most stuffed Oreos," with a diet coke. And then walk into the light and pull yourself together — one step a time to a better and happier you.

You cannot control others. It sucks, and it makes life hard. Control causes resentment.

Just because you were made out to be the victim doesn't mean you have to choose to stay the victim. If your spouse doesn't focus on the marriage or themselves, then you need to focus on yourself. Step out of God's way and let Him heal you.

Yes, I am very repetitive in this post, so I apologize. But hopefully, If you've made it to the end, you will have it in your head to choose yourself! I want that for you. I am rooting for you, and I'm in your corner.

Need motivation? I love music. I put a "Love Yourself" playlist on Spotify just for you guys. Do you want a song added? Message me, and I'll add it. I love music of all genres, but I'm stuck in my ways sometimes when it comes to playlists.

You are a warrior, you are loved, and you are light! I got you. Now stand up and conquer your day!

I love you!!

Love,

Tiffany