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It's my birthday month!
Birthdays have always been a big deal for me. If something can be celebrated, I'm going all in. I will celebrate the heck out of it with decorations, happiness, and cake. Lots and lots of cake!
Once married, I didn't know how to handle the fact that my partner didn't honor anything I loved. He poo-pooed every festivity but Independence Day and Thanksgiving.
Uh, okay. So those are great, but so are all the other holidays. Most importantly, Christmas, ME, and Christmas!
Our first year of marriage was rough! A rude awakening for me, if you will.
Heads up newlyweds!
Your partner doesn't read your mind, and living off of love isn't a real thing.
Like what!?
Whoa!
My mind is blown.
So now what?
Suck down all your feelings. Give the silent treatment, act irritated, over all the things. Eventually, it will just click for your partner after doing this.
Right?
Wrong!
Oh man, if only I had learned that sooner.
So if you're doing any of that to your partner to teach them a lesson or hoping that it will help them get it, it won't. STOP IT! Stop it this instant!
Are you ready for the secret to fixing it?
Ugh! What? Do you have to communicate in a relationship?
Yes! You just have to. I don't think there is such a thing as over-communicating. You can never communicate enough.
Instead of getting irritated and staying mad, communicate your feelings.
Let your partner know that birthdays are a big deal. That when they don't do anything for you, you feel unloved, underappreciated, and feel like you don't matter.
Over the years, my partner and I communicated about this topic all of the time. It never changed anything. Holidays and birthdays would go by, but it was always the same.
When we were doing good in our relationship, the little bumps with the gifts and the not celebrating were easy for me to get over.
When we weren't doing well, I took it personally. It symbolized to me that I was not enough, and my partner didn't love me.
Although my family always made a big deal of my birthday. I started to not look forward to it. If it didn't matter to the one I loved, why should it matter to me?
Extravagant gifts did happen occasionally. I would feel so connected and loved by him and think he is finally trying. Although looking back now, I see those gifts occurred when he was deep into his addiction. Its as if it was almost out of guilt. It became his way to control so that I wouldn't leave him after a nice gesture.
The five love languages by Gary Chapman is a book every couple needs to read and take the quiz at the end. If you don't want to read the book, then just take the quiz!
Figure out your love language and your partners. Start showing your partner love in the way that resonates with them the most. Hopefully, you will also get that back in return.
Check-in with your partner and make sure you are always on the same page. You need to both listen, be heard, and also understand one another. Maybe even compromise a little.
After lots of therapy, we realized that birthdays had been a struggle for him after his parent's divorce. He is still carrying that hurt and pain. It's easier for him to just go about the day as usual than make a big deal.
That is something he will have to get through on his own. Maybe he will never be into celebrations like me. That’s okay. That is not going to be a deal-breaker for our relationship.
instead of moping around on my birthday, I will just do what sparks joy (Marie Kondo fans anyone?)
Don't feel guilty for celebrating yourself. Someone has to. You know yourself better than anyone else. So LOVE yourself, treat yourself and ENJOY!
Eat that cake.
Buy that outfit.
Have a spa day.
Go on that vacation.
Be with your family or friends.
Watch Netflix all day.
The point is, do whatever is going to make you happy. Enjoy it! Don't count on others to make your day special for you. If they do, that's a bonus. But don't expect it. The change has to start with you. Quit being disappointed and start now.
If you need a birthday card mailed to you on your special day. I got you! You deserve to be celebrated!
You are loved and appreciated! You are worthy of all things great and wonderful in this life. You deserve the world, my beautiful friends!
I love you!
Love,
Tiffany
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