Who can I trust?

One of the hardest things for me has been trust. Ever since Riley and I were married, I never fully trusted him due to his constant lying about little things and my past relationships.

I have always been quick to trust. I would trust anybody who was kind or gave me the time of day. I wanted that connection and trust so badly with somebody that I was giving it to everybody that came my way, and I always got burned in the end. The two people I trusted the most was my best friend Sasha of 12 years, and my husband. Sasha and I have had quite the friendship. We went through everything together. Even when we weren't speaking to each other, we were always there for each other when needed. When she moved out of Idaho, we would talk on the phone every single day. We knew each other inside and out, including every little detail about each other's marriages. We told each other things that no one else knew. After finding out about Riley, I called Sasha and poured my heart out to her. I told her every excruciating detail and everything that I was feeling.

I was looking for comfort and connection with someone I knew, loved, knew everything about my relationship, and knew me better than I knew myself. What Sasha said was rude and heartless. In a nutshell, she said, she is not surprised Riley is like that. Because of all the men that I have picked in the past. She proceeded to go on and tell me to get an abortion. Whether she was kidding or not or just having a bad day and taking it out on me, she made me question everything even more. The two people I loved, cared about, and trusted more than anyone in the world turned out to be completely different people on the same day. I thought I knew them, and I thought they would never hurt me in the way that they did. I have never been more wrong. That day I lost the only two people closest to me, and I have never felt more alone. If I can't trust them, then who can I trust? I even doubted trust in myself because I should have known. I had been fooled for years.

Since this day Sasha and I have seen each other and talked everything through. Although I feel that conversation has tainted our relationship in a way that we can't get back. We will always have love for one another and be there for each other no matter what. We support each other and can still be honest. That will never change.

So now I'm left with this question. No matter how long you know someone even if you've lived with that person for years, do you really even know them at all? Everyone has secrets but do they ever fully let people in?

Moving forward, I am more cautious about my relationships and more aware of my openness and trust. Even though it is still hard for me to not pour my every thought/emotion onto people. Conscious living is a must. Being aware of my feelings and what I need to look out for has opened my eyes and has honestly awakened me to a whole new world. (I sang the Aladdin song while typing that)