Why I Choose To Stay

I get asked all the time, "Why do you stay?" Being asked that so often, you think I would have a solid straight up answer. But yet, it still always catches me off guard, and I find myself stumbling over my words. For some reason, "I love him," doesn't feel like a good enough answer. I think I need to justify myself to people. Like they are looking for something more. Before we started our recovery at Addo this year, Dr. Kevin Skinner asked me to really think about my answer and write it down. There is obviously a reason I'm still here after 8 years of lies and deceit. In honor of Husband Appreciation Day today, I will give you the answer to the question... Why I stay. The answer has varied over the years and has depended on what was going on in our lives. I've stayed because I have felt trapped. I've felt like I didn't deserve better. We have children, animals, a home, a life together. We are married. Divorce costs too much, and it would be an ugly one. I can't do that to my kids. I don't want to share my girls. What about Ryder? He would be crushed and want to go with Riley when the girls do. I don't want to share him more than I have to. But is that selfish of me? Is that going to hurt Ryder in the end? What will people start saying about us? Small towns suck for that reason. Gossip and rumors will fly. I don't want to be pitied and looked at funny all the time. Every possible reason and excuse to stay and leave went through my head. This wasn't supposed to be my life. I figured marriage would be hard. But I was not expecting this. I wish I would have known or that someone would have warned me. But truth be told, I wouldn't have listened. I ask my therapist what to do all the time, and if he doesn't give me an answer that I like or I want. I won't do what he tells me. I just want someone to justify my reasons. Like that will make it right or make people quit asking, if someone who has a therapy license is on board. Riley and I are different. Our love will conquer all. I mean... isn't that what everyone thinks when they are so twitterpated and in love. It's nothing but the two of you. So us? Well, we can conquer the world. If you want to be against us, that just makes us stronger. There is a reason I love him. And after knowing what I now know, it's not like that just went away. I hate his addiction, but I don't hate him. I know that he is more than his addiction. No addict is a bad person. The habit is what's terrible. Although on those bad days it can be hard to separate the two. When Riley and I first met, within 3 days, I knew. Whether or not we ended up together, I knew that I was supposed to meet him. In just 3 days, he had already changed my life so much. He had shown me that I deserved so much better than the path I was choosing. He became my safe place. I trusted him full-heartedly. This is the man I wanted to spend my life with, the man I would walk to the ends of the earth for, walk through fire with, and go to hell and back. This man is not only my husband but my best friend. When we got married, we vowed to one another to always be there. That is exactly what I intend to do. Even if Riley goes through stages where he isn't as willing to work recovery. The only thing you can do is trust your gut. Do what you think is going to be best for you. You are what matters. I have never felt ready to leave. I know if I did that, I would have regret. I wouldn't be able to live with my decision. If I am going to do something that is going to impact not only my life but my children's lives, I want to make dang sure that I am committed to doing so. If I only went off all the bad things that go on in our relationship, then maybe I would be able to justify leaving. I probably would have done that a long time ago. Our relationship is way more than the bad. We have so many good and fun times that outweigh the bad. So believe it or not, with all that has gone on, I really am happy with our life together. That's what life is all about, isn't it? Finding a relationship, you would give anything for. Being in the midst of hell, look at the one next to you, and be able to smile. Be happy that you are at least there together. I know I wouldn't be able to walk this path with anyone else. My reasons may not be justifiable or good enough for other people, and that's okay. It's my life, and I'm the one who is living it. You don't have to live it or be apart of it. I'm doing what I feel is best for me. That's why the title of this post is "Why I choose to stay." Not why you should stay. I will never tell anyone to leave their marriage, and I will never tell anyone to stay in their marriage. It is up to you and you alone. It sucks, and it's hard! One of those choices isn't more comfortable and easy over the other. So choose which one you want and give it you're all. I know our marriage journey isn't over, and thankfully Riley is choosing to fight for it right now. All you can do is just take it day by day and understand that there will be slip-ups and relapses. Your heart is not done breaking, and sadly the lies probably aren't over. But every day you choose to stay and be all in it, you get stronger. You may not see it or even feel like it. But I promise you that you are getting stronger every day. And every day your husband chooses recovery, he is getting stronger too. ♥️ So my answer in a simple form. "Why do I stay?" Well, it's quite simple actually. It's because, I love him. Your answer as to why you stay or why you didn't is good enough. Don't let anyone else try to tell you otherwise. You are more than enough and deserve the world. I believe in you. I'm here for you, and I'm always rooting for you. Stay safe friends I Love You! Love, Tiffany