You Belong

Has anyone ever told you that you belonged? That you are loved? That you matter? Even if someone has, do you believe it yourself? Dr. Skinner would instill it into our minds every day with him that we were enough. We belonged. We added significant value to this earth. Yes! Finally, validation! A great amazing man, speaking truth and light into us. I know what he was saying was true. When you have been put down your whole life and have no self-esteem, it becomes harder to believe in those words. To look in the mirror and believe you have value, that you are someone worth loving and didn't deserve what happened. So what do you do? Where do you go from here? You know what I did? Exactly what you shouldn't do. I wallowed in my sorrow. I played the victim. I slept all day. The laundry piled up, the house rarely got cleaned, the communication in our home became nonexistent, and the tender love and kindness between us all faded.

Conversations were short and snappy, there was always yelling, and I hid from it all. Depression and anxiety consumed me. I began to crave self-harm. I had been clean from cutting since 2008. March of this year, I failed. It all just became too much. The lies, the cheating, the trust is gone, the relationship completely broken, but the longing for connection and love from that one person, still there. I deserve respect, belonging, comfort, compassion, and everything else that my heart so truly desires as do you. So how do we get that? Sadly it has taken me until now to realize that I don't need validation from anyone, and I define my worth. I have always sought it out from others, needing approval to feel that I belonged. Well, guess what? I'm here! So I belong. How others treat me is not because of me and the person I am. It is because of the people who made poor choices and chose to reflect that behavior onto me. I am not perfect. I have made plenty of mistakes. There are plenty of things I wish I could take back. But all you can do is move forward and forgive. Forgive others and, most importantly, forgive yourself! Be kind to yourself. You are learning, making mistakes, and growing. It is never too late to change.

My counselor Trevor gave me this when I was struggling at the beginning of the year. I read it almost daily, and I tear up every time, but it also gives me courage.

What I Am Worth For female partners - from the book Life After Lust

"I am a woman of infinite worth. Because of this, I deserve my husband's best efforts.

I deserve a husband who only has eyes for me.

I deserve a husband in active recovery, not passively going with the flow.

I deserve a husband who reminds me that I am not to blame for his past or present choices.

I deserve a husband who actively opposes visual and mental lust in all forms; viewing it as the enemy of true intimacy.

I deserve a husband who is trustworthy, both when I am looking and when I'm unaware.

I deserve a husband who seeks help when needed, remaining accountable to those who call out his greatness and strength.

I deserve a husband with the courage to face his deepest fears, inadequacies, and wounds for the sake of his healing.

I deserve a husband who learns from his mistakes, creating and communicating new plans for change.

I deserve a husband who is learning how to connect and does the hard work in spite of insecurities and inadequacies in this area.

I deserve a husband who tells the truth about his behavior and is honest when his heart wants to wander.

I deserve a husband who does whatever it takes to change whatever wounds me.

I deserve a husband who takes responsibility for his life, rather than being a victim of circumstances, feelings, or personal history.

I deserve a husband who progresses in personal growth; who is becoming the man he's told me he wants to be.

I deserve a husband who is committed to perseverance and course correction; who gets up quickly after failures.

I deserve a husband who cares for himself so that he can offer me more presence and participation in daily life.

I deserve a husband who models faith, purity, passion, and purpose to our children.

I deserve a husband who acknowledges his imperfections yet resists using them as justifications for a small life.

I deserve a husband who fights for my heart.

I deserve a husband who pursues my emotional and physical safety.

I deserve a husband who cherishes me, pursues me, and defends me.

I deserve a husband who humbly responds to my personal boundaries and listens to the pain his choices have caused.

I deserve a husband who remains patient when forgiveness and trust do not come quickly.

I deserve a husband who desires me, cutting off opportunities to seek all counterfeit connections.

I deserve a husband who nurtures me, encourages me to use my gifts, and empowers me to come alive.

I deserve a husband who supports my needs for relationships, relaxation, rest, and rejuvenation.

I deserve a husband who serves me, looking for ways to lighten my load. I deserve a husband who is eager to invest both his time and attention.

I deserve a husband who sees me, knows me, and loves me.

I deserve a husband who reminds me every day that my value does not depend on my weight, my style, my sexiness or sexual availability, how I was treated as a child or any other outside factor.

I deserve a husband who reminds me that I am beautiful, and I am enough. My worth is innate and cannot be tarnished.

I deserve all of these things because I am a woman of infinite worth."

Forest Benedict © 2017 www.lifeafterlust.com

Even if your spouse has not had an affair, or validates you the way you feel you should be validated. You are still worth all of that and more! There is nobody out there in the world like you, and I believe that every single person adds value and is meant to be here. I believe there is power in words. Especially when you are speaking those words out loud to yourself, it may seem silly at first, but it's worth it. Write something on the mirror positive about yourself and say it out loud multiple times throughout the day. Once you finally start to believe that one specific thing about yourself, change it up, and add something else. I'm always talking to myself, so why not make it positive. Your thoughts are the one thing you can never escape. So shift them to positivity. I know it's easier said than done, but one simple sentence a day can change your life. You Matter, and You Belong. We are here cheering for you and will always be in your corner. You got this!

Tiffany